concerning anger

and why it’s important

At one point in life, I considered myself a Buddhist.

I was in my early twenties, and the ideas of non-violence, non-attachment, and centeredness appealed to me. Although I still think Buddhism has many wonderful teachings, I no longer consider myself to be a Buddhist. Careful study mixed with aging has a way of changing people. These days, there’s much about Buddhism that reminds me of every other religion. I’ve returned to a conclusion that I had as a child when the opportunity to follow through on Protestant confirmation was presented: I cannot buy into organized religion.

If you do practice a common religion, whether it’s Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, Judaism, Taoism, etc., that’s perfectly fine. I have nothing against you or your beliefs as long as they don’t infringe on the freedoms of other people.

I will share with you, however, the teaching that drove me away from Buddhism: Anger, it is thought by some Buddhists, is the most destructive and useless emotion that exists. i encountered this idea throughout my studies, and it was fine enough of a concept until I had to reckon with my own anger.

I do agree that some actions driven by anger, especially self-righteous and unprocessed anger, are destructive and useless. If you are incapable of identifying your emotions and controlling your behavior, any motivation to act can be destructive.

However, the older I’ve become and the more I’ve experienced, I’ve found that the emotion itself is not to blame. Emotions are signals: they give us important information. They are not good. They are not bad. They just are.

I’m going to paraphrase two lessons I’ve learned from wise people in my recovery from PTSD and substance use: First, anger is a signal that a boundary has been crossed–whether you were aware of this boundary or not. Second, anger is a call to action.

boundaries

I want you to think back to the last time you were enraged. I don’t mean irritated or frustrated–I mean absolutely on fire with anger. Why were you angry? And, more importantly, what boundary had been crossed by the person (or party) who angered you?

Making these observations isn’t dangerous or destructive. These observations are informative: they tell you what values you hold dear and what is important to you. Furthermore, they show you where a line has been crossed.

Most of us were never taught how to handle our anger. Certain behaviors are considered acceptable by our society, and if you think about the ones that are not acceptable–violence, yelling, public crying, etc–you may come to the conclusion that displays of anger, and perhaps anger itself, are not acceptable.

For example, I was never taught that anger was bad. However, the behaviors I displayed as a child when I was angry were often met with disapproval. (As a side note, I should say that I don’t blame my parents. They were passing along what they were taught.)

years of meditation and therapy have helped me develop some distance between accepting my emotions and acting upon them. I also propose that violence, yelling, and crying, when they are not directed at a living being, are actually helpful. One of my favorite practices as of late is screaming in the car. No one can hear me, and if they can, I move past them quickly enough that it doesn’t matter. You should try it sometime.

Maybe you think that human beings are above this kind of behavior, but I assure you that you are (and will always be) an animal. If you suppress your emotions, they will find a way to surface.

a call to action

The most productive way to handle anger is to accept its call to action. Many angry recovering addicts find it soothing to help other addicts. People who have been victims of abuse often volunteer to help others in similar circumstances. People who have experienced mental illness become therapists.

Most importantly, individuals who see extreme harm being done to other human beings can protest, boycott, and take other actions against the oppressor. Revolutions are born out of anger.

I’m going to ask you some very important questions: Do you believe that fighting for human rights is destructive or useless? Do you think the genuine alchemy that occurs when outraged people come together against terror and fascism is wrong? No? Me neither. and, perhaps, you should also learn be angry for your own sake and security.

When i was dealing with my own PTSD, it took me over ten years to get angry on my own behalf. That may sound bizarre, but it is very common for people who experience trauma to deny themselves anger.

Truly experiencing anger may feel terrifying. It may feel like a fire that will never stop consuming you. You may worry that it will never end or that it will be destructive beyond comprehension or control. Some of these beliefs come from our society and patriarchal conditioning, while some of them may come from the depth or extent of our hurt. What we forget is that when our needs are met, when we take the time to feel our emotions and take action on their behalf, the emotion does pass. All emotions pass.